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Christmas time bitches with LSD and other fucked up shit

  • Shitty Norah
  • Jan 25, 2017
  • 14 min read

First: Orgy House Party, Second: Police surrounding our house, third: Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter's children, Fourth: Police at our door, Fifth: The IJ's saxophone museum, Sixth: The IJ's mansion, Last: Dr. Catford Purrnicklesplitz

Hey bitches, it's Shitty Norah here, AND MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS YOU PIECE OF SHIT MOFUCKAS (OR HAPPY MOFUCKING CHRISTMAS IF YOU'RE FUCKING BRITISH, THOSE DAMN BRITISH TRYING TO FUCKING TAX AMERICA DURING THE LATE 1700S THOSE PIECES OF SHIT, HAHA JUST KIDDING WE ALL ACTUALLY LOVE BRITISH PEOPLE, THEIR ACCENTS ARE SO FUCKING HILARIOUS AND COOL), anyways so after we were given a house by the FUCKING COMMUNISTIC PIECE OF SHIT RACIST TOWARDS HUMANS MAYOR WHO HAS A RIDICULOUSLY SIZED LITTER BOX ROOM. As we began to move in we quickly had issues, it wasn't very swell for Professor Snickers to be attempting to make tuna chili hotdog macaroni and cheese taco ice cream jello german chocolate cake chicken alfredo spaghetti surprise casserole, and he accidentally set the house on fire, he claims to do it on purpose as we got a free 10,000 cat dollars in relief aid from the human government of Kluveria (yes the IJ has his own country, THAT MOFUCKER IS SO DAMN FUCKING RICH HE HAS 800 HOUSES ON EARTH, WITH PERSONAL SAXOPHONE COLLECTIONS OF 3,000 IN EACH FUCKING HOUSE THEREFORE HE HAS A TOTAL OF 2.4 MILLION FUCKING SAXOPHONES, FUCKING HOW MANY GOSH DANG FUCKING SAXOPHONES DOES A FUCKING WETBACK PIECE OF SHIT NEED, AND I KNOW THE CORRECT ANSWER BECAUSE I DID MY FUCKING MATH YOU PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT LOWLIFES WHO DO NOTHING BUT SIT AROUND, AND EAT DORITOS WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND MASTURBATING TO LESBIAN PORN). Anyways after my fucking rant, we spent the ten thousand dollars on slim jims and mcChickens from Catdonalds. But, within the two minutes and three seconds we were gone, once we got back to our house it was broken into and both of our bathtubs were stolen along with our sinks. We instantly called the police, and it took them EIGHT FUCKING HOURS BECAUSE THEY REALIZED WE WERE HUMAN. In response, Professor Snickers attempted to make a bowl of cereal, and he accidentally set the house on fire again, and so we were granted another 10,000 dollars which we decided to spend on every FUCKING DRUG WE COULD FIND ON A 10 FOOT RADIUS FROM OUR HOUSE (I KNOW WE LIVE IN THE GHETTOS, THOSE FUCKERS PUT OUR HOUSE IN THE FUCKING WORST NEIGHBORHOOD IN CATCITY). Anyways, it was LSD Tuesday so we bought 10,000 dollars worth of LSD, and we decided to eat it. The world instantly exploded into a color wheel of rainbows, and Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut instantly ran into their bedroom and did some psychotic rearranging. Alice and I just looked at each other, AND WE WERE MADE OUT OF FUCKING RAINBOWS, WE BOTH STARTED LAUGHING OUR ASSES FOR THREE HOURS AND FORTY THREE SECONDS, AND WE RANDOMLY STARTED PAINTING THE HOUSE GOLD, WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MOFUCKAS THIS IS THE BEST TIME OF MY PIECE OF SHIT LOWLIFE GHETTO ASS SHIT MACARONI PIZZA TWO TIME BURNT HOUSE OF A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We started making so much of a ruckus that the atheist cat neighbor, the one where we stole his ferrari and freed Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter from prison, called the cat police on us, ALTHOUGH HE DIDN'T REALLY NEED TO BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MUCH FUCKING CAT POLICE AROUND OUR HOUSE BECAUSE WE ARE FUCKING HUMAN AND THOSE PIECE OF SHIT LOWLIFES THAT PATROL OUR HOUSE NONSTOP BECAUSE OF THEIR DISCRIMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways so we went to cat jail, where the cells were to too small so they had to hire a construction crew to break apart five walls for each of us to have a cell to ourselves, in the meantime they forced us to carry them around in a covered wagon while they whipped us and forced us to sing "hit me with your best whiskers" by Cat Benatar. That particularly went on for three weeks, until they figured out the jail cell situation. As due time went on, Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter started crying and shitting and pissing everywhere all over the walls and cell door, they were very sad (partially from the LSD), and partially because they explained that they wanted a child, but of course they were sadly born without the proper equipment to do it themselves. Mr. Peanut Butter thought about transitioning, but he was too fond of his body, and the same can be said for Professor Snickers. At this statement, we were all extremely saddened by their sorrows, so we tried to find a solution as quickly as possible. After thinking for twelve hours, Shitty Norah started to scream at a frequency so high that she broke all of the windows in the building (which was the size of eight mall of america's combined), and the cat police had to shoot her with fifty pounds worth of toxic cat shit to get her knocked out. After being out for three days Shitty Norah awakened and shouted at the top of her lungs at Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter "I WILL FUCKING BE YOUR DONOR FOR A FUCKING SURROGATE, I WILL ALLOW Y'ALL TO LIVE YOUR DREAMS OF BEING CAT PARENTS, AND MY DREAM OF HAVING HALF HUMAN-HALF CAT CHILDREN", Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter thought about that statement for eight hours straight and they finally accepted. Shitty Norah started dancing an irish jig at 450 mph, and three cat guards heads exploded because they couldn't keep up. However, in order for the plan to work we had to get out of jail first. Alice quickly piped up and said that she would use her cult summoning skills to break us out. So we let her do her work. She went into the middle of the room and her whole body started glowing periwinkle. She started yelling random incantations and she started floating into midair, and out of nowhere the famous gay porn couple "the ALbatrass and Camo King Drew" smashed into the wall and broke it into millions of pieces, they were very upset because they were in the middle of a BDSM scene, they were on a magic carpet ride which was stolen from the "National Museum of Carpets of Catland and Greater Dogland". We all instantly escaped, even though we were only going to be held in custody for three more seconds, luckily they decided to let us go. We quickly ran to the nearest hospital and demanded that we see a doctor on the spot, we lied about it being an emergency. Once we saw the doctor we explained what we wanted to do, and he seemed very upset that we lied about the emergency. The doctor was about to kick us out, but then Mr. Peanut Butter started a sob story and he cried so much that the whole room started flooding with his tears. Eventually the doctor started drowning and so he hinted at us in sign language that he would allow the procedure to be done. So the doctor immediately grabbed a syringe and stabbed Shitty Norah in the neck with it, she was instantly knocked out, and the doctor stabbed a needle into both Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter (I'm sure you know where) and he harvested some liquid from them, he continued to put their liquid into a blender and he took it out, he then put it into Shitty Norah (I am trying to make this as appropriate as possible, bear with me here), anyways he then sprayed Shitty Norah with some cat piss and she immediately woke up, he then clapped his hands and had his henchmen hold us against the wall and demanded his three trillion cat dollars (200,000 american dollars), we all had no idea as to how we were going to do so. The doctor then shouted at us "YOU PIECE OF SHIT PEOPLE, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING INTO MY FUCKING GHETTO CLINIC ASKING FOR A SURROGATE EXCHANGE TO BE DONE AND NOT EXPECT TO PAY ME MY FUCKING MONEY YOU PIECE OF SHIT LOWLIFE'S". We were all extremely scared, but the Amazing Alice was completely calm. Then all of a sudden her face started twitching in random directions and she started foaming at the mouth like a dog with rabies. She started doing some more summoning! Out of nowhere we heard a bunch of screaming in the hospital and a bunch of crashing and banging noises along with laser sounds, then Queen Tessandra Arentisha III of Pleasantview smashed through the wall with her unicorns and chariot with a treasure chest full of gold and she threw it at the doctor, he ended up receiving eight concussions from this, the doctor was about to threaten to call the cat police but Queen Tessandra started firing up her nipple lasers, and he quickly decided to forget his threat at that sight. We then quickly went onto her chariot and she flew us back home. We decided to invite Queen Tessandra over for some tuna surprise and rat-tail salad but she had to go back to her palace, where she claimed some diplomatic bullshit was going on. So we decided to eat it ourselves, although Shitty Norah helped herself to 15 servings because of the kitten-humans she was pregnant with. Over the next few days Shitty Norah puked on average 9 times, and she even broke on average three windows with rocks a day by getting upset for no reason. THAT BITCH EVEN GOT FUCKING UPSET AT ME FOR SCRATCHING MY EYE, SHE YELLED AT ME "WHAT THE FUCK????? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU BITCH ASS MOFUCKA, GOING AROUND THINKING YOUR A FUCKING BADASS SCRATCHING YOUR EYE, OOOOOOOOOH WE GOT A FUCKING BADASS IN THE HOUSE NAMED "THE AMAZING ALICE", OOOOH WE BETTER MOVE OUT OF HER WAY OR SHE'LL SCRATCH OUR EYES TOO". This went on for two weeks, and a lot of shit happened in the mean time. Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter were freaking the fuck out, they ended up organizing four kitten showers for themselves where everyone gave them kitten-trainer litterboxes, kitten tuna surprise food, kitten scratching posts, and even fucking kitten towers, AS IF THE FUCKERS EVEN NEEDED THESE FOR THEM FUCKING SELVES. Then along came christmas day, where we all went to the IJ's mansion in Catcity. We all ate a lunch of turkey, salmon, pork tenderloin sandwiches and shrimp tacos, and for sides we had mexican rice, sushi, chow mein, macaroni salad, potato salad, and pizza, for drinks we had beer and tequila (EVEN THOUGH THE IJ SAYS THAT WE HAVE AN OPTION TO HAVE TEQUILA, WE DON'T FUCKING GET ANY BECAUSE HE RESERVES IT FOR HIMSELF, THE FUCKING BOTTLE COSTS AROUND 8,000,000 AMERICAN DOLLARS, WHAT A SELFISH ASSHOLE, WHILE WE GET STUCK WITH SHITTY 50 CENT BEER, AND NO NOT EACH, A WHOLE 24 PACK FOR 50 MEASLY CENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Anyways, once we were done eating IJ forced everyone to take leftovers with them, even if some of the food was illegal for humans to have in cat land. We all gathered around the christmas tree in IJ's christmas tree room, YES THE FUCKER HAS A CHRISTMAS TREE ROOM SPECIFICALLY FOR THAT PURPOSE, THAT FUCKER IS SO DAMN FUCKING RICH HE EVEN HAS A BEDROOM FOR EACH OF HIS MOST FAMOUS SAXOPHONES, 18 IN TOTAL. Anyways, with everyone included we had Shitty Norah, the Amazing Alice, Professor Snickers, Mr. Peanut Butter, the Albatrass, Camo King Drew, Andrew Catler, the atheist cat, the cat mayor, Queen Tessandra Arentisha the III of Pleasantview (via video chat), and eight of the IJ's illegitimate children (named Enrique, Carlos, Kiara, Maria, the IJ II, Sharkeisha, Lathanduh, and Sam). The IJ gave each and everyone one of us golden diamond saxophones, which were so fancy that we couldn't even play them. All of the cats got, from IJ, a year's supply of their favorite tuna surprise cans, and everyone also received a free vacation (EXEPT THE FUCKING CAT MAYOR SINCE THAT FUCKER ALWAYS TAKES VACATIONS TO CAT VEGAS WHERE THAT FUCKER GAMBLES AWAY 99% OF CAT CITY'S FUCKING TAX MONEY, AND HE'S NEVER FUCKING SUCCEEDED IN EARNING A SINGLE FUCKING DOLLAR THAT FUCKER). So anyways we all opened our gifts and listened to the IJ give us a live performance, which lasted for two hours, and his saxophone skills were so FUCKING BEAUTIFUL THAT WE ALL WANTED TO CRY, LAUGH, AND BE PISSED OFF ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME :'( :) >:(. We then were hungry ass shit so we ate some more of the food that was leftovers. Then afterwards the IJ clapped his hands two times and his half-cat half-human henchmen came out and held us at gunpoint and they started screaming at us "GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT YOU FUCKERS, RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT, HUT 2, 3, 4, HUT 2, 3, 4, HUT 2, 3, 4, LETS GO YOU FUCKING FILTHY ANIMAL FUCKS, MY FUCKING GRANDMA CAN WALK FASTER THAN YOU AND SHE IS FUCKING EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS OLD, WOW THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING SAD YOU STUPID UNINTELLIGENT FUCKS". All of a sudden the Amazing Alice got extremely pissed off, so pissed off that her whole body turned maroon red, and she started foaming at the mouth, and she spit the foam at the henchmen and the speed of it was faster than the speed of light, and the henchmen immediately had their faces melted off. The henchmen started screaming at the top of their lungs, where the frequency was so high that the ceiling started to crumble. The IJ's cat construction crew came and fixed the ceiling within three seconds, then The IJ looked at his henchmen and primly said in an EXTREMELY FUCKING ACCURATE BRITISH ACCENT, THE MOST INTELLIGENT PERSON IN THE WORLD WOULD BELIEVE HE GREW UP IN BUCKINGHAM PALACE HAD THEY NOT KNOWN HE WAS FROM THE US "Now Mr. Rainbowpants, you did take that a little too far, it was enough to make one of my very good friends angry, enough, in fact, that she melted your face onto the floor with her self-made foam, because of the result, you and the others are going to admitted to the nearest hospital for facial reconstruction, and because of the cost, you all will not receive my amazing fabulous charismatic christmas presents for the next five years", and with that some emt cats swiftly took the henchmen and wheeled them to the hospital all within .000000000000598 milliseconds. With that said, we were all dismissed from the mansion and we went back to our home. As soon as we got home, the Albatrass and Camo King Drew's camera crew were waiting for us, apparently they had their ways of tracking them down, or predict where they were going to be. Bsecause of company policy they had to finish their scene in the kitchen, where lord knows what went on. While all of this was going on we all tried to put away our FUCKING LEFTOVERS WHICH WERE FORCED UPON US AT GUNPOINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were sooooooo much leftovers that we had to buy three extra fridges to fit it all, and we lived on that food for the next two months. And because of cat pregnancies lasting 5 months, Norah was able to check to see the gender of Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter's child/ren. So on we went to the hospital, the same one we pretty much destroyed, in a hamburger car, because our piece of shit rusted out 1996 Chevy Corsica was stolen by a cat gang, but we didn't give a shit because it was so shitty we almost had to get a new car anyways, plus there was a family of rats living in the glove compartment, and a mother fox and her two kits living in the trunk. We stole the hamburger car from Hamburger's retreat, the most famous fast food restaurant in Catland, we ended up getting the cat police off our backs by giving them the rest of our LSD-flavored catnip. So on we went to the hospital, which was still in reconstruction, and we trudged on in. Instantly everyone within the hospital froze and began to panic, we realized we had a new social status in this particular hospital atmosphere as the badass patients whom everyone respected because they were afraid of us. We demanded all of their german chocolate cake and we called for the doctor, the name of this doctor was Dr. Catford Purrnicklesplitz. When he appeared he started to scream as loud as possible, and all of the faint-hearted fainted. Shitty Norah yelled at Dr. Catford Purrnicklesplitz "HEY BITCH WHAT UP MOFUCKA, I'M ABOUT TO BUST THREE CAPS IN YO ASS IF YOU DON'T CHECK THE MOFUCKING GENDER OF MY FUCKING CAT-HUMAN CHILDREN AND YOU BETTER HURRY OR I'LL DECLAW YO ASS ON TOP OF THOSE THREE CAPS IN YO ASS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT SICK GERIATRIC SON OF A BITCH". As soon as she had said this he immediately started shaking so bad it looked like he was having a conscious seizure, and he he instantly started begging for his life and he yanked his wallet out and yelled, "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I HAVE THREE KITTENS AND A WIFE, HERE TAKE ALL MY MONEY". We simply explained to the dude that all we wanted to know was the gender of the kittens, and he seemed to calm down. He then strapped Shitty Norah down on a operating table and hooked an electrocardiogram to her body, he then rubbed a serum on her belly which smelt like cat piss mixed in with pepperoni pizza. He then closed his eyes and started singing some old af atheist cat school of the Catland and Greater Dogland church hymns. After singing for fifty four hours, we stayed awake on these extremely convenient "Coffee Patches of Catland", he finally snapped out of his stupor and he started screaming at us, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MOFUCKAS YALL ARE GONNA FUCKING HAVE 8 HALF-HUMAN HALF-CAT CHILDREN, 4 MALE AND 4 FEMALE", he screamed so loud we all had nightmares of gangster cats driving our corsica for the next three weeks. He then congratulated us and we left. Upon return home we noticed that there was some kind of party going on. Apparently the neighborhood noticed that Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter were going to have children, and because of this there were 3 casseroles sitting on our porch, there would have been triple that but there wasn't because of stupid ass discrimination towards humans. However, the party was being thrown, from what we learned after trying to enter our house for two hours, by the Albatrass and Camo King Drew. Pretty much it was some wild ass orgy in our house with keystone beer and strawberry-flavored vodka everywhere. Even Queen Tessandra III of Pleasantview was getting hammered with her unicorns, she was not participating in the orgy. Of course the IJ was there playing some of his best cool jazz ever, also not participating in the orgy. Because we didn't wish to partake of the festivities we were forced into the smallest closet in our house. Eventually after everyone was done partying for five days everyone left. Once we went back down stairs we found that there was bologna taped to our walls and red solo cups glued on the ceiling, apparently they tried to play upside down beer bong. There were even a shit ton of broken saxophones in our living room, which we sold for scrap materials. There were even enough beer cans and bottles of vodka to weigh around 300 pounds, which we also sold for scrap materials. And sadly there was so much alcohol soaked into the floor that it turned the carpet maroon from the mixing of the beer and vodka, it used to be neon yellow, in order to clean it, it took us the remaining three months of Shitty Norah's pregnancy. We weren't allowed back at the hospital so we decided to have a home birth, pretty everyone just left Shitty Norah in a room by herself until she passed out from the labor. She woke up there hours later with all of the kittens-babies sitting next to her, with all of us crowding around her, the Amazing Alice was checking her vital signs with her cult skills, while Professor Snickers was comforting and holding Mr. Peanut Butter who was crying from pure joy. They then began to choose the names, the boys were named: Charlie, Snickers Jr., Peter, and Dick. The girls were named: Charlotta, Milkyway, Patricia, and Aslania. We went to the court to get them registered in the Cat Census, and we eventually decided to give parental rights to both Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter, and Shitty Norah got visitation rights, because Professor Snickers and Mr. Peanut Butter wanted her to be a part of the children's lives. The Children had the faces of cats, with human eyes, and cat fur. Their bodies were like a cats, but they would eventually stand up like humans when they grew up. At full growth they would be the size of a six-year old child. They had human fingers with cat claws at the end. Anyways see ya bitchesssssssssssssssss have a WONDERFUL FUCKING GOOD NIGHT YOU MOFUCKAS LOL SEEEEEEE YAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 
 
 

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