Dear Diary (Fuck all the haters)

Hey guys, I'm bored af so I'm going to write in this piece of shit blog that I fucking hate. Although, I don't always do this while I'm bored, the other times I am making out with Professor Snickers. I decided to write this blog as my own diary because I am sick and tired of not being able to document my fucking feelings. Anywho, getting back on track, I keep getting pissed off at Professor Snickers because all he does is eat food and he shits eveywhere. He shits so bad the fucking neighbors have called the cops five fucking times because of the smell. I took him to the vet to see what was wrong with him, I kept screaming at the vet "what is wrong with Professor Snickers, he shits everywhere and I always get the cops called on me!". I can never go to the vet because everytime I go their I see more sexy cats and I always argue with the vet. Eventually the vet had to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart in order to get me calm down, I guess it was fine, I mean I suppose I did go apeshit and almost killed five people. On my way home some ratchet bitch broke into my car and stole it right in front of me, as she was leaving she yelled "see ya poopahed". As I was walking to get a taxi some asswipe stole my purse, no one seemed to give a rat's ass and so I ended up having to chase the guy five miles. Once I cornered him he started bawling his ass off and he threw my purse at me and yelled "here take it, all I wanted was your love", I reacted by slapping the shit out of him and pooping in his mouth and then I said "my love is reserved for Professor Snickers", and as I was walking away I realized all he had taken was my slim jims and chapstick, despite the fact of me clearly having $20,000 in cold hard cash that I got from selling Professor Snickers as a cat prostitute. I walked the thirty mile journey back home, it was three days later, because I am extremely out of shape, I weighed myself once I got home and I found out I LOST 22 POUNDS! Anyways, I also realized all of the windows were broke in my house and their was Professor Snicker's shit smeared all over the walls, and I mean every single wall, I even did a scientific DNA test to prove it was Professor Snicker's shit so DON'T DENY MY CLAIMS YOU FUCKERS! Then I heard someone farting extremely loud in my kitchen, I quickly ran there as fast as I could, although it took three minutes, and I lost two pounds from that. Once I got there the person seemed to be really smelly and ugly I said "bitch, you smell like shit, the only person I know could smell like that would be Alice", the figure turned around and I was instantly shocked and motionless for eight hours straight! IT WAS ALICE! Once I raced back to reality I noticed my pants were all wet with urine, and my underwear was full of shit from not going to the bathroom during my state of shock. Before I could say the letter "A", Alice grabbed my head and put it against hers, she started doing some weird ass ritual chant and dance, she pushed me away and started shoving a shit ton of twinkies and beets in my mouth, I made the mistake of puking on her. She didn't care though, she let Professor Snickers lick it off, which took two hours. In the meantime Alice explained to me I had only put her in a coma and I had buried her alive! She knew she could phone the extremely conveniant "Buried Alive? Police", so she did and they dug her up, but their policy was they had to beat the shit out of her once they were done, company policy I guess. Alice started her weird chants again, and she grabbed the twinkies again, I ran away and she chased me with Professor Snickers still licking up my puke all around the city. I called the cops but they were on break, Alice stopped and out of nowhere the song "Shake your fat ass" came on, and inevitably Alice started dancing to it. The song ended after three hours, and Alice danced the whole time, she burned 350,000 calories! We were super hungry, mainly Alice, and so she begged me to take her to a local farm, I thought it was odd so I did. She killed a cow and cut up it's body and started eating it even Professor Snickers joined in, and out of nowhere Mr. Peanut Butter joined as well, after a minute they were all done, and so we went home. Alice went to bed and took Mr. Peanut Butter with her, I went to my room and ordered a meat lovers pizza with so much grease and fat one slice would gain me five pounds and I ate the whole thing. After that I got extremely bored and so here I am now writing this stupid shit to you guys.

SEE YA MOTHAFUCKAS,

SHITTY NORAH

Bitch who stole my car: top

Guy who stole my purse: bottom